A Child Called It - David
Briar Rose-Becca
The setting first takes place at an adoption agency in San Fransisco, but as the story changes, the two characters are at Becca's home in Holyoke Massachusetts.
As I walked down the hall, I could hear my heart pulsing and feel my hands shaking, for that would be the moment that my life changed. I had been at the adoption agency in San Francisco for two weeks and I had been told that I would be going home with my new mother that day. I knew that my life was about to change enormously, and all for the better. As I paced around the corner to the lobby, I saw my new mother, as she saw her new son. The first thing I could do was run to her as she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a warm motherly hug, which I have been longing for years.
“Hi David, my name is Rebecca, it is very nice to meet you,” her voice was so loving; it caught me by surprise, because what she said was real, and she actually did care about me, which was something I was not used to. I knew at this moment that I loved Rebecca, my new mom.
“Thank you, Rebecca… for everything. I do love you very much,” I knew that this was probably too soon to say, but I could not help myself, I had to tell Rebecca what I felt.
“I love you too David, now let’s go home,” my new mother gently took my hand, and led me out the door.
We arrived in Holyoke many hours later, just in time for dinner, and my mom said she had worked really hard on a special dinner for me before she left for California. I could only imagine what this could be, because anything more than one piece of bread was out of the ordinary in my normal food consumption. As I daydreamt in my mom’s car about what she could possibly have in store for me, I was interrupted by her voice.
“Here we are, home sweet home,” she spoke in a very gentle tone.
Right as I walked through the door of my new home, I felt the love and laughter I would encounter while living here. The delicious scent of apple pie filled the air, and the beautifully decorated house swept my off my feet. As we then made our way to the kitchen, my mom told me that she had recently bought this new home, mostly for my homecoming. As we approached the table, I could feel the saliva in my mouth start to crave this feast. My mom put an enormous plate of lasagna in front of me, and I could not believe my eyes; I immediately started to fill my empty stomach. I was embarrassed as I ate my supper ravenously, but it was just habit now, from my previous life. Thankfully, my mom did not seem offended by my manners, but excited that I enjoyed her cooking so much.
“I am very happy that you like my lasagna, were you hungry?” My mom was now very proud of her work.
“Well to be honest, every since Mother starved me for consecutive days, and only gave me a short time limit to eat, it has been habitual for me to shove any food down my throat that I got my hands on,” as I said this, memories of my old life came back to me, and I decided I wanted to share these with my new mother.
“You don’t have to tell me about your past if you don’t want to because I know it must be hard to talk about,” my mom said this with a very caring, sympathetic tone.
“Actually, I like to talk about it, because it reminds me about how lucky I am to be living my new life here with you. Would you like me to tell you more about my childhood?” I said this hoping that she would say yes.
“I would love you to tell me,” I could see tears starting to form in her eyes, from what I had just said.
“Well, in Mother’s eyes, my life was just a game. She would have fun abusing me, to points where I could have died. She would poison me with Clorox and ammonia, try to burn me, lock me in a gas chamber in our bathroom, starve me for as long as ten days, and one time she even accidently stabbed me. My life was basically a living hell, but I knew that I had to remain strong, because I never wanted her to feel satisfaction from my defeat,” by this point, my mom looked upset, so I didn’t want to continue.
“ I am deeply sorry about all that you went through, David. You are my idol for being so strong, and I want you to know that you will never have to go through any pain again,” as my mom spoke I could almost feel the love that she had for me, seep through my skin, and into my heart.
“Thank you, I really appreciate everything that you are doing for me. I do have one question for you though,” my curiosity about my mother was beginning to grow inside of me.
“Yes, anything,” she said, ready to answer anything I had to ask.
“Have you ever gone through anything really special?” I asked.
“ I have never gone through anything like you have, but I have recently solved a family mystery, if that counts,” she seemed to feel sorry for how uneventful her life was.
“That sounds very interesting. What did you solve?” I was very excited for this story.
“Well, my grandmother has recently passed away, and all she left a mysterious box that she never told anyone about. It had photographs and other memorabilia’s that related to a story she told me as a child. The story was called Briar Rose which was similar to Sleeping Beauty, and she was the princess. After traveling to Europe and researching a lot about my “Gemma’s” past, I found that she actually was the princess to her story. She was a holocaust survivor, and the story she told was a “fairy tale” version of what she went through. I know that this is nothing compared to your life, but it’s all I got,” we both chuckled.
“Actually, I thought that story was incredible, you should be very proud of yourself for what you did. I bet that your Gemma and I would have a lot in common with torture and the fight to stay alive,” I said.
“I bet you would David, I bet you would,” at this moment she reached to me, hugged me, and whispered, “Welcome home honey, welcome home.”
After reading this story, I felt like it was actually a short story and I enjoyed it very much. From reading this story, I remember the part where David told his new mother what Mother had done to him and how she had cried after hearing this. I can picture them both at the dinner table talking about their pasts. The story made me think about how these two might actually talk to one another after the things they have been
ReplyDeletethrough.
The conversation between the two seemed very authentic to me. Details like the thoughts where David described some of the ways he did things such as "eating his supper ravenously" and it felt like it was no different than the dialogue from the actual book A Child Called It. At some points though, it seemed a little unrealistic when David's new mother told him about how her grandmother told her stories.
My favorite part of the story was when David described his new home and the food as he smelt it.
"The moment I walked through the door of my new home, I could feel the love and laughter I will encounter while living here. The delicious scent of apple pie filled the air, and the beautifully decorated house just swept my off my feet. Mother told me that she had recently bought this new home, mostly for my homecoming. We then made our way to the kitchen, and sat down for the meal of a lifetime. I could feel the saliva in my mouth start to crave this feast.
I was embarrassed as I at my supper ravenously, but it was just habit now, from my previous life." David talks about his previous life like his has been born again into a new person and is happy for it. It stood out very prominently due to the fact that the author showed how David would react in this situation.
One thing that was distracting to me was the fact that there were some small errors in spelling and sentences. Overall however, the essay contained good usage of adjectives, verbs and sentence wording for each of the characters.
There were few things I found that should be redone in this essay. One though, was that next time you should have others read it to find any mistakes in it. Some words were not used correctly. This made a few sentences not make sense. For example, the sentence; "I listened to this story so many times in my life, I knew it would by word" is made confusing due to the misuse of would instead of the word "word."
For future assignments, you should continue writing as you did in this story. You gave both characters very realistic dialogue like they were both in the same story. You might also want to reread yourself, which might solve some of the problems in the story. I enjoyed this story between the two characters and thought it was very well-written.
After reading this story, i felt happy. The part I remember the most is when David just saw his mother, and said "I love you". I thought it was really sweet and was a way of showing how glad he was to have a new mother. In some ways, this story made me think of my story because i also used David as a character and gave him a new life, with people who love him. When David was telling his story, i could picture his new mother crying because she felt bad for him and knew he deserved better.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue between the two characters seemed very real. I liked how you didn't make the characters sound like someone they aren't. It made the whole story move believable. The way you made David eat his meal ravenously made him sound like himself because the way he lived before, he wouldn't have ever had a meal.
The line that stood out the most to me was "Hello Mother. I Love you." I think that by you putting this line in your story helped describe David's past life. Another line i liked from your story was how David's new mother's voice "sang like the warm breeze of summer". This makes her sound welcoming and friendly, like she is.
One thing about your essay that i found distracting was how most of the dialogue was clumped together. I think it would have been more enjoyable to read if the dialogue was split between the other writing in your story. Also, you have some typing errors. At one point you used the word "would" instead of "word".
On your next writing assignment,I would suggest letting a classmate proof-read your story. I think by doing this you will eliminate some of your minor errors such as the wrong words. Also, you may want to consider spreading out the dialogue a little more throughout your story. Otherwise, you did a great job Brett! Your story was great and very enjoyable to read!
I thought this story was very meaningful and had a lot of emotions in it. Overall, I felt happy after reading it because David had a good mother, and they were both happy. I can picture them both clearly and what they are doing together very well because of how much detail you used. The part that stands out in my head is when they met in the airport and felt like mother and son right away.
ReplyDeleteI thought that your dialogue was very real. They were comfortable talking to each other, and they did not "talk like robots". I thought that you could have made some of the dialogue shorter. For example, when they were each telling their own stories, there weren't any pauses between their stories. If it was more spread out then it would have sounded a little more realistic.
My favorite part of the story was probably when they first met. “The first thing I did was run to her and she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a warm motherly hug, which I have been longing for years. “Hello David, my name is Rebecca, and I am your new mother,” her voice sang like the warm breeze of summer. “Hello Mother, I love you,” I knew this was probably too soon to say, but I could not help myself, I was overwhelmed by the love I knew she had for me. “I love you too son, now lets go home,” Mother gently took my hand, and led me out the door." I like how natural it was and how much emotion there was. If I had to choose one line that I liked the best I would have to choose the first thing David says. ""Hello Mother, I love you,” I knew this was probably too soon to say, but I could not help myself, I was overwhelmed by the love I knew she had for me." It explains just how happy he was to have a new and loving mother and how much he didn't have with his old life.
One thing that was distracting was your typos. There were several, and you may want to read through your story again to fix some of them. One that I saw was "at" instead of "ate" in the eighth paragraph. Also, like I said before, it would have been easier to read and more real if the dialogue was more spread out.
Next time, you might want to proofread your story, and have someone else proofread it as well so that you make as little mistakes as possible. Otherwise, I think your story was really good and full of great details. It was also very creative!
After reading this essay i have mixed feelings. The reason i have mixed feelings is because i feel like he isn't really in a good home because all they talk about is past but not future. I remember how the mother and son love each other so much when they have just met. I see the boy running to the mom in the airport to meet her for the first time. I think the concept of this story is to start out fresh and start something new after to what previously happen to both characters. It made me think about how i would have felt if i had just come from a abusive mother and going to a new home.
ReplyDeleteI didn't believe that they dialogue between the two characters was authentic at all because they are saying i love you when the just met and calling themselves son and mother. Who Does that today? The characters were in real live places so i could imagine thew there and to be real. She could have made more believable by showing emotion that would be there at the time.
"Hello David, my name is Rebecca, and I am your new mother,” her voice sang like the warm breeze of summer." This quote really connects with me and i feel like i could hear the tone in her voice.
I thought that the spelling and grammar in this summer reading essay was distracting because there were so many errors. But other than that i didn't find anything else distracting.
For Future writing assignments i think you should spell check your work and reread your work so you have the assurance that every word is correct.
Stay Classy,
Kevin J. Garbacik
When finished reading this story I felt glad, for David and Becca. Glad that David had a new mother, and glad that Becca was having such a successful life after the real story ended. The descriptive language that Brett used was very good, and put a clear image in my head. I really enjoyed reading this short story and it seemed like David P. could have really written it.
ReplyDeleteI think that the dialogue between Becca and David seemed rather authentic. There was one point where it seemed a little off, but it was explained right after. “Hello Mother, I love you,” I knew this was probably too soon to say, but I could not help myself… I also felt that the tone was very clear. For example, “Hello David, my name is Rebecca, and I am your new mother,” her voice sang like the warm breeze of summer. I felt as though I could really hear Becca’s tone here.
The moment I walked through the door of my new home, I could feel the love and laughter I will encounter while living here. I really like this statement, because I know exactly how the character is feeling. When you walk into a room and you can just imagine the things that are going to take place there.
While reading this I came upon a few spelling areas. Here are the ones I picked up on: just swept my off my feet, and so I knew I best stop. There was also a couple run on sentences that I would consider editing. Other than that though, I thought that it was very well written.
A piece of advice that I would give, is to add more detail. However I know it is tricky, when writing a short story that can only be a maximum of 700 words. Also I would have someone else proofread your story, just to pick up on the little errors that you had. Other than those two things, I’d say keep up the great work Brett! :)
After reading this it made me feel happy. becasue in many places kids are put up for adoption and end up having a nice happy life. it made me think about how dramatically you can change someones life be doing something to make it better. the images i see in this story is the two of them talking and telling stories and getting closer as friends.
ReplyDeletethe conversation between to two of them did sound authentic because as the conveersation continued you could see the two of them growing in a relationship with one another. it also seemed real because they shared things together and it showed how they wanted to get to know eachother more. what could have been done better is putting in a little more detail.
my favorite part of this story is where the son tells the mother what has happend to him. "My mother would play “games” with me and enjoy watching me suffer as she abused me. She would not only hit me, but she would poison me with cleaning solutions, freeze me in the bathtub, lock me in my bathroom with a bucket of ammonia, and even once she tried to burn me, by having to lay on the stove top, naked." i liked this part because it was very detailed and sounded very realistic. also it showed more about the character.
the only thing i would improve about this is adding a little detail and showing more about how the relationship between the mother and david. for example expanding the end to shhow what their life was like together and how davids life improved and how the realationship between the mother and david grew more and more. explainijng how they loved eachother more and more.
for future assignment i would keep the amount of dialog in it. because i liked that a lot and it told a lot about the people. but what i would do is add a little more detail in a few places and add to the end. to show and tell more about them. but other than that i think this was a very good essay.
from jon.
I thought your essay was extremely good. I read both of these books, and personally, I wish 'A Child Called It' had ended like this. I like that you wrote your story from David's perspective, because that's how the book was actually written.
ReplyDeleteA part of the story that most stood out to me was when David was telling Becca about his childhood and he said, “Well, in Mother’s eyes, my life was just a game. She would have fun abusing me, to points where I could have died. She would poison me with Clorox and ammonia, try to burn me, lock me in a gas chamber in our bathroom, starve me for as long as ten days, and one time she even accidently stabbed me. My life was basically a living hell, but I knew that I had to remain strong, because I never wanted her to feel satisfaction from my defeat,” because I remember all these things happening, and I remember David sayind he didn't want to cry because it would make his mother feel like she won, and he didn't want that.
I loved your word choices. I thought your story flowed well and was easy to follow. You used very discriptive words, and I could easily picture everything that was happening.
The only thing I think you could have improved on was the way Becca and David interacted with each other. Realistically, they probably wouldn't have acted so close when they didn't even know each other. It would have taken them longer to adjust to one another.
I really didn't find any grammmar or spelling mistakes. Maybe just one or two typos, but that's it. I think you did a great job, Brett.